I Married a Sex God

It seems that the reason monogamy doesn't produce good long-term sex for some people is because humans require and desire sexual variety.

This book rocks!

Being married to a Sex God has a lot of perks.

For instance, knowing my husband has shown me that men can be great lovers and can *also* be great romantic partners!  Being married to him has proven to me that men are capable of extraordinarily deep levels of love and intimacy.  And I know my husband isn't the only one of his kind.

The book Challenging Casanova, by Andrew Smiler is part of a growing wave of change that will help future men become the Sex Gods they are capable of being, and can even help bring current Sex Gods out of their closets now.

When I talk about the qualities that give my husband Sex God status, I'm talking about many things other than his sexual talents.  Yes, those talents are quite important to his status, but by themselves sexual talents mean nothing.  Having sexual talent isn't rare, many people have a lot of it.

What puts him into Sex God territory are his talents in emotional connection, intimacy, love and devotion.  When these talents are combined with his sexual talents, NOW we're talkin' Sex God status.

Challenging Casanova looks at our cultural view of young men...like the fact that we call them "dogs".  We think that men just want sex, they want all the sex they can get with nearly anyone who is willing, and they will do almost anything to get it.

We treat young men and boys like they are walking erections, yet give them very little education about sex.  Rather, we basically just beg them to "control themselves".  We give them no consideration as emotional beings.  We don't expect them to want to be romantic, we just expect that they want to get laid and might make some romantic gestures but only to get some action.

Andrew challenges this notion and asks, is this image we have of young men really true, or are we just projecting it on them?

When you actually ask large groups of young men how they view themselves, they report that they seek emotional connection, love, romance, intimacy and companionship.  Not "just sex".  All of the research he examined is showing that the image we are projecting, that of a horny teen with no ability to love or connect, is definitely not what young men and boys think of themselves.

The subject is complicated but important.  I highly recommend this book as a baseline for understanding a new paradigm.  Men are not pigs.  They want love and connection and meaning through relationships, from the earliest stages of their awareness of their own manhood.  They also want sex.  But no more than women do!  Sex is a natural human desire for both genders.  Turns out, so is emotional connection.

When we treat our young men and boys as if they are not expected to form emotional attachments, they will essentially feel shamed if they do feel those attachments and might actually avoid making any.  And this can stunt the ability to make those attachments later in life.  Then we end up in a sad cycle of basically shaming boys to *be* promiscuous and act recklessly.

One of the reasons my husband is a Sex God is that he was blessed with a healthy self-esteem, and healthy ideas about sexual and romantic issues.  He had the opportunity to understand himself as a sexual and romantic person without a bunch of confusion and angst.

Part of why he's a "natural" with the ladies is because he didn't accept the unnatural expectations the world has of young men.  I am positive that if more young men can grow up free to seek deep emotional connections *and* good sexual relationships, we'd have future generations full of Sex Gods, instead of Challenged Casanovas.

I cringe when I read the pick up community advice.  They talk about "naturals" as if they are the gold standard of what men should aspire to be.  But the "naturals" they are talking about are mostly seeking to score high numbers of one night stands.  This is a sad role model that is the result of the exact Casanova Complex that Andrew is writing about.  It completely ignores the reality that men want connection and love as well as sex.  In fact, in the pick up community, men regularly shame each other if any of them speak of wanting love and connection.

If my husband wrote a book about how to be a Sex God, the chapters wouldn't be about negging, isolating, and seduction (which are bizarre tactics promoted in the pick up artist community).  (See post: Sex God Advice for Pick Up Artists )

Me to Giacomo: Get outta here, you too?

I have my own agenda...I want to be a champion for more great sexual-romantic relationships in the world.  I want us all to be better lovers and partners and find each other and be happy together.  I am not trying to define those partnerships to one man-one woman or any other relationship model...I just promote great sex and great emotional connection, however that works for you.

I strongly feel that the stereo types of "men want sex but not romance, and women want romance but not sex" are standing in the way of the progress we need to make to have better sex, better relationships, and overall, more love.

Buy this book and also buy one to give anyone you know who has a son!  I know there is a movement to change the view society holds of men, and that it will liberate the Sex God within them all.  A-MEN.

 More information about the book Challenging Casanova

Buy the book at Amazon

Author Andrew Smiler's web page

So...jealousy is the fear of losing something, usually to someone else.  Whereas envy is wanting something that someone else has.  And insecurity is feeling like you aren't good enough in some way.

In my marriage, we don't feel a lot of envy or insecurity.  Envy, definitely no - because I don't want what anyone else has.  My husband is just right for me.

And I don't feel much insecurity.  I used to have a fair amount of it, but my husband is so good at making me feel loved that I finally had to give it up.  I don't think he feels much envy or insecurity either.  We both know we've got it so good and we're both very secure.

But jealousy?  Yes, we both experience that.  And I honestly LOVE it.  Here's why...

I am an attention whore, but more specifically, I want sexual attention from my husband all the time.

Yes, this is me being a greedy, horny wife...but dammit, I really am an attention whore.  I want him to watch me walk across the room - checking out my ass the whole way.  (And he does).  When I put on a tight shirt, I want him to notice my boobs in it.  (And he does).  When I buy new underwear and wear it for the first time, I want him to notice them, say something about them being new, and then check them out very closely - making me model them for him- because he honestly loves seeing any new panties on my body.  (And he does).  Damn, I love him.

He is basically always paying sexual attention to me.  He has his hands and eyes on me all the time.  He also knows where my eyes are going, what I'm looking at and paying attention to.  And he'll never miss it if anyone else has their attention on me.  I already explained in this post about how he does a lot of mate-guarding and deliberately watches out for Sexual Wolves.  When he spots one, he is right there ready to get into their line of sight and block them from seeing me or making eye contact with me.

I love it when he does this.  He just gently steps in to edge out this "other male", whoever he was.  And it isn't that there is any actual threat, because I'm head over heels in love with my husband and he has nothing to worry about.  But the fact that we're all mammals, still walking around in the Sexual Jungle, and because we like to play our hard boundary games...that means we stay aware that others could try to "move in" on us.

Just because my husband and I are monogamous doesn't stop the rest of the world from trying to get us to play with them.  It is our job to protect our own boundaries.  The rest of the world has no such obligations and sometimes it will actively try to knock down our boundaries.

The rules and games and mate-guarding go both directions.  I will step in if I see somebody checking him out, too.

Sometimes if my phone rings late at night (which would most likely be a wrong number) he will jump up and say "why do your boyfriends have to call night and day, day and night, did you not tell them all you are married??" and then he will grab me and tickle me and make me laugh and then pin me down and kiss me.  Really, all he is saying is "I'm paying attention to you".  He knows that no dude is going to be calling me at night, but he acts as if I have offers of other men lined up down the street and around the block.  This is his way of making me feel that he knows I am a catch, and by making me feel like a catch he is paying me the sweetest compliment of all.

I know that if he didn't pay this much attention to me...if he didn't notice when other men notice me...if he didn't notice when I'm wearing new panties...it would mean he isn't that into me.  The way he acts toward me with his constant rush of sexual attention is how he acts when he really is sexually interested and attracted.

And I need and LOVE this attention from him.  As I said I'm simply a whore for it...can't get enough.  Nom nom nom.

So we've learned to take the natural feelings of jealousy that occur when someone is eyeballing your mate, and use them as opportunities to show each other how closely we are paying attention and how eligible we consider each other to be.

(This is another way I like to claim my husband in public).

I love saying "I saw that chick over there checking you out...she better not get any fancy ideas cuz you're MINE!" and then planting a big kiss on him and throwing my arms around his neck and staking my claim on my Sex God husband.  It feels great, it makes him feel great, and it sends a message to the world that we are only available to each other.

I want to point out that my husband and I would never use jealousy against each other.  Like, if I notice someone trying to make eye contact with me, I simply avoid eye contact with that person.  I do not point it out to my husband or try to make him jealous with it.  I will never "create" a situation that makes him jealous, that would just be mean, not fun.

Also, I know that for some people, jealousy is a painful emotion and it doesn't feel fun or playful.  My husband and I are not dealing with the type of jealousy that just makes you feel like shit.  If jealousy was a strong and painful emotion for either of us, we'd never make it into fun and games like we do.

If you are dealing with severe jealousy that you would like to get rid of, I definitely wouldn't recommend playing these kinds of games.  If you are bothered and hurt by jealousy, maybe check out this program: DailyOM - Overcoming Jealousy


There is trust in our relationship.  Our jealousy doesn't stem from lack of trustworthiness.  No, it comes from the fact that we want to own and possess each other...in the fun, kinky way, with rules and collars and punishment and stuff.  We are truly Slaves to Love.

Oh, joy!

We have found our stride with the jealousy thing and we play with it when it happens naturally.  We really aren't worried that some Sexual Wolf is going to run off with our mate...but we pretend to stand guard all the time, just in case.

Acknowledging your partner's high worth as a mate is really the ultimate compliment.  It says "I'm so lucky to have you and I know it!"  Plus, it makes me horny to have his sexual attention all the time...mmmm....